22 days until my return home.
This return is incredibly bittersweet for me. I have come to love Texas...the warm weather...the Texas sky...but most of all the wonderful people. I have met some very dear friends that will forever hold a spot in my heart.
I have loved this adventure of moving into the unknown. I moved down not knowing a single soul. I have learned how to build a life on my own, entertain myself, and find new friends. I have proved to myself that I will always be ok. No matter what life has in store for me, I will be ok.
I move home in 3 weeks, a deadline that seems all too far away, yet doesn't give me enough time with the ones I love here. I move back with optimism, with hope...even though the realistic side of me is scared to death. I do not know what home will bring me. I am hoping it's a smooth transition back to the life that I had before...with the same amazing friends and family. But I move back with the challenge of something new.
I have successfully been single for the past three years, a few relationships here and there (of which I don't take lightly, but are not the magnitude of the one I return to). I have loved my single life, always being able to do the things I want to do, never really having to think of my consequences. I have been able to come and go as I please, and enjoy every bit of meeting new people and taking on new adventures.
I wanted to travel the country, learn about other people, see how the rest of the world lived. I thought that I would be able to blend in with those around me. I thought that I would have a million friends, a million opportunities wherever I went. However, I have learned that fitting in is hard, and finding true friends is difficult. I have been fortunate to find them here, but wonder if I could do it all again in a new location.
But I'm going home. I'm going to where all feels normal and safe. But I don't feel safe at all. I'm heading into a new adventure that has no security at all. I'm basing my decisions on what someone else is telling me...the things I've wanted to hear. But I'm heading to where it feels like home. I'm home with him. I'm home in his arms. I'm home in his words. Everything about him screams home to me. We all want to be home, we all long for that one sense of belonging. I want to belong to someone, not everyone. I want to belong to him.
Love you all, keep your forks
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
There are many things....
This is a quote I've always used. I found this quote while sitting on a plane waiting to depart from San Jose, Costa Rica. It goes as follows:
"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, only a few will capture your heart: Pursue those."
I have always treasured this quote, and have perhaps lived my life by it. Now, many things have caught my eye, and I have strayed. But I have always remembered the things that have meant the most to me, and I treasure those.
My adventures have brought me to a turning point. I have been constantly running after things that have caught my eye, now it has brought me to something that has caught my heart.
I met someone years ago, have known him the better part of my life. A few years ago, our paths crossed, and my life has never been the same since. I haven't talked a lot about him with many people, my closest friends are the ones that know the most. So, here's the story:
I met him again, through a strange turn of events. And for those of you that know me, boys come and go. But he stayed in my heart. He has stayed there for years. He became my friend, my confident, my Mr. Big. I have loved him for many years, but have never had the opportunity to act on anything I've felt. He has been through the ups and downs, and has always given me that little crooked smile that has made the world around me dissolve. I've always held him as the standard for what I am looking, as we have so much in common. He has understood me when others cannot, and vice versa. I have secretly loved him through these years. I have dropped everything when he calls, I have always run to his side when he has let me be there.
He was a big part of me leaving Indiana, a story of which I'd rather not share here. I will tell you now, the thought of never seeing him again broke my heart in a way it's never quite broken. But like I have been, I decided to move on. Before I left for my Texas adventure, we came back together, and leaving his side was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I came to Texas looking for a place to fit in, a place to belong. I have met some of the most amazing people, those that have touched my life in the most amazing ways. I love the opportunity I've had to experience a different life, with different people. Texas is an amazingly beautiful state, with even more amazingly beautiful people.
A few nights ago, the man of my dreams told me he loved me, something that has taken over 3 years for me to hear. Something I have waited for, something I have never forced or ever asked for. I honestly never thought this day would happen. I have tried time and time again to move on, I even moved far away to move past this.
So here I am, with so many people not understanding, with good reason. And though people may not understand the reasons for my decisions to move home and try, I have to. I have to try for the one of the few things that has captured my heart. I will always put my heart on my sleeve, and I will always go after what I want. I understand that I am putting myself out there for heart break, for disappointment, but I have to try. I have to try for the one thing that I have wanted for so many years.
The night I heard those three little words from him, "I love you," I have never cried and felt more complete at the same time. I wish I could express to you all the feelings I have inside for him. I know those that are nearest and dearest to me understand what I am going through.
I'm scared, and I'm confused, but I'm so unbelievably happy and peaceful at the same time.
On my way home from work, I saw something that made it all ok. The skies were beautiful here, sunny and gorgeous. In one fleeting moment, the skies opened up and rained, and I saw a complete rainbow. Now, to some, that's just a beautiful sight, but to me it meant so much more. God sent the rainbow after 40 days of rain. He sent that rainbow to tell us we'll be ok, and that He's always there. That rainbow lasted for a few moments, the rain clouds dispersed, and again there was sun. I believe in God's signs, He sends them to us, in very small moments. If we don't stop and think about Him, we pass on by them with no more thoughts. This was His sign to me. I have been through "40 days" of hardship, but He was telling me that that everything is ok. No matter what, I'm ok.
So my "travels" will bring me home. They bring me home to something I have always wanted. I do not know what the future holds, and I'm excited to see what God has in store for me.
I am going home, I am going home to see if what I have always wanted will last me a lifetime. I don't know the outcome, and quite frankly, I don't care. I have to know. I have to know if Casey is where I belong.....after all......he's captured my heart.....
Love you all...keep your forks, as I know I have!!! I will see you all soon!
"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, only a few will capture your heart: Pursue those."
I have always treasured this quote, and have perhaps lived my life by it. Now, many things have caught my eye, and I have strayed. But I have always remembered the things that have meant the most to me, and I treasure those.
My adventures have brought me to a turning point. I have been constantly running after things that have caught my eye, now it has brought me to something that has caught my heart.
I met someone years ago, have known him the better part of my life. A few years ago, our paths crossed, and my life has never been the same since. I haven't talked a lot about him with many people, my closest friends are the ones that know the most. So, here's the story:
I met him again, through a strange turn of events. And for those of you that know me, boys come and go. But he stayed in my heart. He has stayed there for years. He became my friend, my confident, my Mr. Big. I have loved him for many years, but have never had the opportunity to act on anything I've felt. He has been through the ups and downs, and has always given me that little crooked smile that has made the world around me dissolve. I've always held him as the standard for what I am looking, as we have so much in common. He has understood me when others cannot, and vice versa. I have secretly loved him through these years. I have dropped everything when he calls, I have always run to his side when he has let me be there.
He was a big part of me leaving Indiana, a story of which I'd rather not share here. I will tell you now, the thought of never seeing him again broke my heart in a way it's never quite broken. But like I have been, I decided to move on. Before I left for my Texas adventure, we came back together, and leaving his side was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I came to Texas looking for a place to fit in, a place to belong. I have met some of the most amazing people, those that have touched my life in the most amazing ways. I love the opportunity I've had to experience a different life, with different people. Texas is an amazingly beautiful state, with even more amazingly beautiful people.
A few nights ago, the man of my dreams told me he loved me, something that has taken over 3 years for me to hear. Something I have waited for, something I have never forced or ever asked for. I honestly never thought this day would happen. I have tried time and time again to move on, I even moved far away to move past this.
So here I am, with so many people not understanding, with good reason. And though people may not understand the reasons for my decisions to move home and try, I have to. I have to try for the one of the few things that has captured my heart. I will always put my heart on my sleeve, and I will always go after what I want. I understand that I am putting myself out there for heart break, for disappointment, but I have to try. I have to try for the one thing that I have wanted for so many years.
The night I heard those three little words from him, "I love you," I have never cried and felt more complete at the same time. I wish I could express to you all the feelings I have inside for him. I know those that are nearest and dearest to me understand what I am going through.
I'm scared, and I'm confused, but I'm so unbelievably happy and peaceful at the same time.
On my way home from work, I saw something that made it all ok. The skies were beautiful here, sunny and gorgeous. In one fleeting moment, the skies opened up and rained, and I saw a complete rainbow. Now, to some, that's just a beautiful sight, but to me it meant so much more. God sent the rainbow after 40 days of rain. He sent that rainbow to tell us we'll be ok, and that He's always there. That rainbow lasted for a few moments, the rain clouds dispersed, and again there was sun. I believe in God's signs, He sends them to us, in very small moments. If we don't stop and think about Him, we pass on by them with no more thoughts. This was His sign to me. I have been through "40 days" of hardship, but He was telling me that that everything is ok. No matter what, I'm ok.
So my "travels" will bring me home. They bring me home to something I have always wanted. I do not know what the future holds, and I'm excited to see what God has in store for me.
I am going home, I am going home to see if what I have always wanted will last me a lifetime. I don't know the outcome, and quite frankly, I don't care. I have to know. I have to know if Casey is where I belong.....after all......he's captured my heart.....
Love you all...keep your forks, as I know I have!!! I will see you all soon!
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